Why is it that I lie. I can tell you that it is because of pride, and my fear of opinion and judgement. It's been a long life of lies to get to this point of clarity. I enjoyed for so long the distance the lie put between myself and the practitioner of opinion. You see, I can't stand your opinion. Because I don't normally have one about anything. That's not to say that nothing is going on in my head, or that I am better than, I just have a mind that is fixated, and at times obsessing on experience. My mind is a constant unending story box. Full of past issues intertwined with elements of my experience, and of a dream world. I don't think so much about a particular side of things unless I force myself to. Which at times I do. But that is only when provoked. Call it a blind spot if you will or a handicap. But do to this blind spot of not thinking about what your appearance has to do with your true nature, or what character defects I "think" you have, I instead a majority of the time, I take a scientific approach to what it is that I am experiencing.
But back to me, this is about my character defect of lying. Once a friends Grand mother looked at me telling me while looking in my eyes, and with the most satirical tone; said "and the truth shall set you....what....Givone?" Now this was in context of my lying about the knowledge of the language Spanish. I don't know Spanish, in fact I will just admit it that language has been difficult for me for a number of reasons. I can only honestly say, I appreciate those of the world who are linguists. Anyway, that day was the first of many times God had let me know that lying would be a big challenge for me, and that I needed to pay attention to the signs. Well I was about 15 then, so now that I am 27 you do the math it's taken me this long to admit that I was a liar, and that I want no parts of it anymore. Which means I have to replace the survival instinct I picked up due to having a father who was a "pretender" as my Grand Ma calls him, and a mother who if you didn't manipulate for attention, well there just wouldn't be a relationship at all. I grew up with typical mommy and daddy issues. I had a great example of a cohesive family partnership as a child in having a great friend who is still in my life to this day, and his parents who were a pair of teachers from a completely different caste in life than that of which I was born into. Me being a kid from the urban Los Angeles ghetto, my friends parents were artistic, adventurous, and knowledgeable about there local surroundings, and learned in the vast world outside of Los Angeles. Love being the point in this, I got to see it first hand, it's impact on the character defects that if not all the vast majority of the world faces when it comes to the first relationship we all build in life, the Maternal/Paternal bond!
It's not there fault....alright some of it in fact is, the majority of it though is my own. It was my choice to habitually practice the art of the lie to manipulate, and repel. The truth about it was that I wasn't that good at lying. And I wouldn't even protect my lies. Allowing myself to be caught in the same sentence, because deep down inside a majority of my lies I didn't want to tell. I wanted something more than where I was at. I didn't like where I had left myself, and the lie was to justify that disconnect. It was the ego telling me I needed to be an Engineer, when I had only been a technician. It was the ego telling me I needed a house by the time I was 25, and sure, I did live a great life of full experiences. I just wasn't living up to what my ego regularly stated as being on the level.
